I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
