It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
