I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
