Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I checked into jail on foursquare
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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