I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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