I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
