Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You ruined the universe
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
