Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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