there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
