at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
