Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
