I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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