just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
