Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You can't just leave with hair like that
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
