so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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