I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
