rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.