I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
