I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
