when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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