yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
