Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
