Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
