Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
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She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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