Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
