we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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