Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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