yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
