while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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