What a fucking waste of an outfit
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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