When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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