I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
