My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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