Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
