Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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