Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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