Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
