Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
