I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
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You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
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I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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