Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
