Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
