i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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