dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
