I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize