About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.