there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
