i used baking grease as lip gloss
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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