We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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