wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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