Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
