I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
