My liver just broke up with me...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
