Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
