I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
