My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
