I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
