dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
