I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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