Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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