Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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